Deliberate loneliness, betrayal, and other reasons why we choose not to enter the alliance of soul mates.
In Friends Forever, the authors write that the acronym BFF (Best Friends Forever) has been popping up everywhere lately, from teen TV shows to banner ads. This generates non-obvious stigmas. It creates a sense that less emotionally deep connections are superficial and fake and that having no friends is a variant of deviance.
Psychologists Terry Maple and Daniel Marston attempt to refute this statement. They write that having close friends is not necessary for survival in society. Yes, social isolation is detrimental, but there is a huge gap between it and «friendship. It is better to get acquainted on the Internet, check here. It is possible to gain the benefits of social relationships simply by socializing with other people — not necessarily close friends.
In addition, scientists from the University of California found that friendship is not as important to happiness as the satisfaction of basic needs and a sense of competence. According to their findings, people are happier not because of the number or quality of friends, but when they feel able to do what they want. And also close the basic needs of food, warmth, and sleep.
The inability to build intimate relationships often occurs in those who have had some adverse, traumatic events in their experience that have convinced them that intimacy is dangerous. The person then learns to comfort, to fill themselves exclusively on their own to avoid the pain. This is not the kind of reasonable autonomy in which we act on our own, confident in ourselves, but a deliberate independence from others, as a prevention of possible pain.
Therefore, if loved ones or the person himself notices that communication quickly tires or brings gloomy thoughts, it is worth consulting a specialist to exclude the presence of mental disorders.
But everyone defines the norm here for himself. If someone is comfortable without a crony friendship, this person does not feel any mental suffering, then do not look for pathology, where there is none. Live happily ever after!
We talked to people who don’t have close friends and asked them to tell us how they feel about it.
«I just don’t need some person around.»
Kathy.
27 years old.
I’ve never had any close friends. A close friend is someone you spend more time with than the rest of us. You make some kind of commitment to each other. For example, to help each other unconditionally when needed.
But I cope with my problems on my own and I am not ready to spend resources on solving other people’s problems. I am generally not prepared to be emotionally invested in someone else, which is also required in a friendship.
I am in the company of someone I like — myself. Alone is easier: I don’t have to waste time on others, adjusting to their schedules to meet up someday. No one distracts me with conversations, hikes, or other activities.
I’m always comfortable with myself, I just don’t need any such person around. I feel fulfilled without one. Plus, when you’re alone, no one will tell your secrets, no one will envy your success, and no one will rejoice in your failures.
I have buddies. I talk to them when I want to. Sometimes we go out together. But that’s all.
And I feel great without my close friends! If I want to have a good time, I turn to someone I know, a colleague. And this is enough to satisfy my need for companionship. Afterward, I go off on my own and enjoy it.
«Well, I just didn’t want you to get together with him.»
Vicki
44 years old.
My best friend and I have been friends since high school. Moved to another city together. We rented an apartment together. We met boyfriends together-they were brothers. When I told her that I was pregnant and was going to get married, my friend started telling me to get an abortion and assuring me that my boyfriend was not suitable for me.
After all, «How can you even marry him? He has nothing: no apartment, no car, and no normal job. I nipped it all in the bud and told him that I loved him, but I wanted to keep the baby.
Then she decided to go another way: she told my fiancé’s brother that I was cheating on him and that I was a «girl of easy virtue». Their mother found out about this, and my relationship with her deteriorated drastically. My brother ended up telling my fiancé what was going on. It was hard to get over such a betrayal.
When I asked my friend why she did it, she said, «Well, I just didn’t want you to get together with him and have a baby with him.» I couldn’t forgive her. After that, I became wary of everyone and expected a catch.
I don’t think I’ll ever get into the close friendships I had with that friend. I don’t feel homesick for her and I’m not looking for a replacement. And simple companionship is enough for me at lunchtime snacks with coworkers.
«You could call it friendly polyamory.»
Tim.
24 years old.
I have no hierarchy: this one is «best friend» and this one is «even better. It can be hard for me to put a person into one of the categories. I’ve always been sociable, and it wasn’t hard for me to make acquaintances. It might seem that if there are so many people around, they are not close friends. I guess in the conventional sense they are.
The only person I have an emotionally deep relationship with is my girlfriend. The rest of my relationships are about the same. I have a clear-cut awareness: some things I won’t tell anyone, and some things I can tell practically to everyone. Even the person I met an hour ago in a bar. I can share something very intimate with a girl, but even then, if I understand that there is an appropriate moment for this.
Often I do not see the point in building some intricate interpersonal communication when you can have fun and enjoy communication. If I have a problem, I can solve it myself. I think it’s easier to live that way. Each person in my environment is valuable to me in some way. You could call it friendly polyamory.
«Everyone was posting happy pictures of friendly get-togethers on social media, and I didn’t want that.»
Margaret
26 years old. The name changed at the heroine’s request.
I’m single in life. I don’t have a steady romantic relationship. And I don’t have permanent friends. I feel ok if I go abroad alone. Or if I go alone to see a movie. I don’t think that not having best friends (or friends in general) makes me worse.
Before, psychotherapy, I was sure that there was some kind of problem, a breakdown in me. After all, everyone wanted to hang out with friends, everyone was posting happy pictures of friendly get-togethers on social media. And I, deep down, didn’t want all that. I felt more comfortable walking alone in the park or reading a book.
Now I understand that this is my peculiarity. I am an introvert, and after work (which is connected with constant communication) I do not want to see anyone, to meet anyone. I want to come home and restore my balance by lying in the bath or watching a new show.
Sometimes my mother sighs that I am lonely: they say, how bad I must feel. And I tell her, «I don’t feel bad at all, I feel great!»
